First Date Horror Stories

No longer is online dating something that is to be whispered about in gym changing rooms. Now it’s something that is openly talked about over dinner – internet dating is firmly “in”. 

A person comes up, you “like” them, they “like” you and you “match” – then, one of two things will happen. Either this person will start a conversation using some of the crudest words in the english language looking for some kind of no-strongs evening of sexual debauchery or they will start an actual conversation with you! Suddenly you find yourself agreeing to meet with them after only a few messages, solely because they weren’t a sex pest from the word “go”!

I went on one such “blind date”, from Tinder (!) about 2 weeks ago.

We had been talking for a while, I knew he wasn’t a serial killer (we had actually had a joke about the fact that I had to confirm he wasn’t one before I would meet him!) and we decided to meet.

10 Tips for single men going on a first date – Entirely based on my experience that night:

• If you are running 20 minutes late, let the girl know more than 7 minutes before you are to meet.
• If you are actually going to be 40 minutes late – tell her that! She will wait somewhere warm to prevent her fingers going blue and the fear that she will never again feel her toes!
• When you finally turn up 50 minutes late, in WINTER, do not tell her she looks cold!
• It is not appropriate to grab her bum when walking to the venue for your first date.
• Saturday night is a busy night; there are lots of people around. Unless you want to wait 40 minutes for a drink and to shout at each other all night to be heard, DO NOT take her to a nightclub!
• Attempting to book in a second date, having barely started the first is full on, and she will cringe and disappear to the loo.
• “Subtly” touching her the ENTIRE first date; her hand, her knee, her thigh, her arms, the side of her face, the back of her neck etc is not sexy: its creepy.
• If, after 2 hours, she mentions that she has to work in the morning, it is a line and she wants to leave. She is not saying that she can’t stay at yours after whatever filthy activity you have in mind, so please don’t suggest as much!
• When you are saying goodbye, if she turns her face away so you kiss her cheek, do not pull back, hold her face and kiss her on the lips; that is not what she was going for.
• Finally, do not wake her up with a text at 5.45am the next morning saying you’ve just woken up thinking about doing things to her body. (flattering from someone who has known you more than 2 hours, but otherwise, just creepy!)

Ladies, I’m sure there is probably a list of things that we do on dates that we shouldn’t do, but for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT do what I witnessed this girl do:

I was indulging myself in some good old-fashioned people watching whilst waiting for my then half-hour-late date, and I realised that Clapham Common Station must be some kind of hot-spot for blind dates. So many people arriving, looking around at all the people waiting, a vague flicker of recognition crossing their eyes as they walk up to a girl wearing purple leg warmers (if you can make them work, good for you!), with a questioning “Jessica?”, a confirmation and then the two walking off together to whichever bar they were heading to and getting to know each other. 

I had noticed this guy waiting at the station; he was tall, relatively good looking and had obviously made an effort to look good for his date. He looked really nervous, and kept checking his watch and fiddling with the bottom of his shirt…bless him! 

A girl came out of the station, looked around and spotted him. He had already seen her, and from the look on his face he recognized her from her “profile picture”. She walked up to him and he asked “Gabriella?”. His face showed that he knew it was her, and the question was more as a curtesy than genuinely asking. She however, took a long scathing look at him, up and down, taking her time, and then said to him in a very brash manner, “Oh, no you’re not!” and walked away from him, back into the station!

I was horrified! How could someone turn up to a date, take one look at them and leave?!?! 

He looked around for a few minutes, I think maybe hoping she would change her mind and come back out of the station, but when she didn’t materialise a few minutes later, he trudged off, downhearted to the bus stop and stood there in the cold. 

What a complete lack of human decency! Ladies, there are some creepers out there, but at least they aren’t cruel – that is just unacceptable!

Needless to say, we both had a bad night….not sure who wins here really – He was stood up to his face, but at least he got to go home to the warm early, and un-groped!