You know those days when nothing has gone right?
Those days when you are completely flat and you just want to curl up in a ball and cry?
Those days when pretty much nothing can stop you hurling PMT-fuelled hate at the world just because?
On those days, even though it sounds mean, isn’t it nice to see that someone out there is having an even crappier day than you?
For these days when you just need to see that someone else is having an equally terrible, if not worse day, I have found a place you can cure every crappy feeling you may be having.
I know, that is a HUGE claim, but I promise, no matter how crappy you are feeling, this will make you feel even just a little bit better.
Ok. I’m going to let you in on my secret….
Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears.
These things are hilarious. They are for sale on amazon and essentially, they make your insides turn into the fiery pits of hell!
When you go online, you can read all the reviews about how terrible people feel after having these gummy bears, and yet people still do it!
It has become a bit of challenge. People buy them to prove the reviews wrong and then write the most incredibly descriptive reviews. Seriously – poetry is created by each and every person who reviews these – and it is absolutely guarenteed to make your bad day INFINITELY better because, let’s face it, despite the fact that we are meant to be “grown-ups”, poo humour is ALWAYS FUNNY!
These are just some of the quotes I found this morning – but have a look for yourself – Trust me, it’s worth it.
N.B. Some of these quotes reference ‘poo’, ‘bum’ and other such digestive items/areas in much cruder phrasing than that – be prepared!
“Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing…”
“What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.”
“The snack: Satan’s Diarrhea Hate Bears made by Haribo”
“When you’re eating gummy bears and you singe off your ass hairs.”
“These gummy bears are the manifestation of evil. They are Voldemort’s infinite horcruxes.”
“2:45 A.M.: As I lay here on my bathroom floor drawing my final breaths I write this review as a last act of service towards my fellow man. My stomach had become an amplifier for all the demons of hell to speak through and mock me about my impending doom. Moments later I heard what sounded like a dying platypus.
It grows into a growl, like a small dog protecting her young. Then the thunder starts, echoing through your innards like the drums of Mordor. The Kraken has awoken and your anus will never be the same again.”
“In fact forget bombs, forget creating bombs or weapons or anything at-all like that. THESE little suckers are all you will need to hurt someone.”
“These little minions of Satan are turning my guts into liquefied horror as I write this.”
“My belly is making a sound like a wooden spoon stuck in a garbage disposal.
Please, tell my children I love them, because I’m going to certainly die.”
“My body gave birth to a mass of evil resembling something from the depths of the Everglades swamps”
“Eat a bowl of Haribo, scorch your guts, s*** out your soul”
“Thank you, Haribo. your gummy bear cleanse produced the quickest 9lbs I’d ever lost.”
These are just some examples – have a look for yourself at the rest – I hope it makes your bad day that little bit better – because poo-humour brightens just about anyone’s day, right?!
Please tell me someone out there has tried this? Tell me everything!