This post is as much a pep-talk to myself as it is anything else – but I thought it might resonate with other people out there so I thought I’d put it up here instead of just rambling in my diary.
This world moves so fast. Seriously, with technology and media basically taking over the world, everything happens so quickly. A response is required within the hour, not within the week. You never know what is going to happen next but you can guarantee that at some point you are going to have to drop what you are doing so that this new thing you need to do gets finished in time. It’s crazy.
Working freelance adds another element to this – because your whole lifestyle is on a knife edge at all times.
I am in a bit of a funny place at the moment in regards to that. I find the idea of not knowing where my next pay cheque is coming from really disconcerting. I know I will find a way of making it all work out in the end, but the unknown is so daunting – and you never know what is around the corner.
I fully acknowledge that, with the dreaded “25” looming in the next few weeks, I have a lot of questions about where my life is going and what I’m going to be doing for the rest of my life. I love my job, absolutely love it, but it’s hard. Really hard. When I’m on stage and in a show, I love every second. But as soon as the show finishes, the harsh reality of this career, and the freelance lifestyle hits, which means I need to find a job behind a bar or handing out flyers to pay the rent until the next thing comes in.
There are days when I feel like this life might defeat me. Days when I think, I am an intelligent girl, I could get a “sensible job” and make a real life for myself – get a mortgage and more than 37p in my savings account. Then I get up on stage and realise that it would take so so much for me to give up on this life. It’s part of who I am.
I’ve said it before, (in my post “surely real and relatable blogging is better“) but our online personas often leave us looking much better off than we are. Looking at Instagram and Twitter etc you can come to conclusions about people and their lives without looking beneath the surface. My online persona is looking really peachy right now – on stage every night, having a fantastic time, a designer dressing me for a concert at the London Palladium this weekend (more to follow on this next week!) – and I admit it, I feel very lucky.
But, this time next week, the show will have closed, the concert will be done, and for the first time in a while, I have nothing coming up. I need to get a job. I need to find a flat (anyone know of any rooms going in Clapham, please do let me know!!). And there are moments where this pulls me down, to the point where I want to curl up in a ball with a jar of nutella, unlimited netflix and cry into a pillow.
Moments where I am filled with fear about what is to come – about where I am going to be in 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years from now. Moments where I think I might just get in my car and drive to my parent’s house so I can turn back into the version of myself I was when I was 17, living the high life, with no worries at all except maybe that I kissed that cute boy in my english class on saturday night and does he really like me?!
But I need to grow up. I need to realise that I am nearly 25. I have responsibilities. I am a “grown-up”, whatever I take that to mean. I can’t run away from it or hide. No matter what I do, this world isn’t going to slow down any time soon. I need to be the determined pain the ass that I can be. I need to make a choice.
Right now, I’m choosing to acknowledge that we are all scared. But, wherever my journey is taking me, I’m not letting fear slow me down.
Rachel ColleyJune 18, 2015 at 1:46 pm
I feel exactly the same about my life right now!
Unlike you though I'm in a steady full time job – it's not fun, in fact it's soul crushing!
Even if it's unsteady I think it's so courageous and inspiring to be following a career that you love and are passionate about!
Good luck with finding your future!
The Everyday Life of Rachel
Natalie OwensJuly 3, 2015 at 6:25 am
What a heartfelt post. Fear cripples me at times. I have the responsibility of owning a Company that provides care for people living at home. The responsibility of having around 40 odd staff and 50 odd clients at times can make me physically ill and it spills into my personal life often. I haven't yet found a way to manage my fear yet but I have tried lots. I seem to be able to keep it at bay but if it gets me then I am not well at all. Good luck in your journey and keep posting, love your blog! Could you not start to make a bit of money from blogging to tide you over?
Big hug, Natalie
Rosie LadkinJuly 9, 2015 at 5:44 pm
Thank you – It's mad, but I do love it. I'm sure I will find a balance at some point soon, just gotta roll with the punches.
Glad you liked the post!
Rosie LadkinJuly 9, 2015 at 5:45 pm
It's difficult, isn't it. I guess we just have to find a way to acknowledge that we are scared of what is to come, without letting it defeat us or pull us down in any way.
I'm trying to expand my blog over the next couple of months so maybe that't an option. We shall see, it would be nice! 🙂
Emily PearsonAugust 4, 2015 at 11:56 am
I know how you feel! I've just hit 26 (so I'm sliding down the wrong side of mid-twenties) and in a job that although I enjoy, doesn't pay well and isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life (not that I know what that is). It's hard finding a direction when you don't know what that is (or you do but are too scared to take it). Just knowing that you're not alone in feeling this is always a massive help xx
Rosie LadkinAugust 28, 2015 at 5:33 pm
I completely know what you mean – it's tricky, this being a grown-up thing!
I guess we are all in the same boat really – no-one knows what they are doing, even if they pretend they do!
It's difficult, but we aren't alone! 🙂